So somehow I found myself a little dumbstruck last night.
To start with I’ll just mention that normally I’m not someone who thinks very highly of myself at the best of times. Really its a 50/50 situation where I’ll look in the mirror and actually be happy with what I’m looking at, other times it can be a real pain in the ass to have to put up with looking at myself. Through school I did find myself being near the bottom of the line of popularity, I’ve always aspired to be someone else that I knew.
I openly and actively try to adopt traits from other people which I admire to try and fit in more.
Now last night I was with a few friends and one of my mates, which I haven’t known all that long but anyone would know he’s one of those top blokes that’s just easy to get on with and just an all round nice guy who comes across as charismatic and a hit with the ladies, he was going through a little bit of a rough patch so I was being the good guy and just trying to make light of the situation any way I could.
So as we’re chatting and I’m giving out advice and pointers that I myself wouldn’t follow one bit if I was in his shoes, he openly says at some stage in the conversation;
"Man, I wish I was you, you’re such a great dude and I just wish I was you sometimes".
I was stuck for words to say the least. I, just like everyone else, always manage to forget that we are all made of the same substances and emotions as the person next to us, just simply constructed differently.
I also felt like I was lying to him in a way. Everyone in this day and age has their insecurities and hidden dark corners that they mask with a false persona to be accepted in society. Everyone has their means of dealing with whats lying around in their head and chances are its as simple as putting on a “mask” just before you walk out the door each day, whether it be a big smile or just some sorts of passive aggression followed by laughter.
I felt as if I was lying because my “mask” was what he was talking about, he wanted to be what I feel I put on to get through each day and I wasn’t sure what to say, also the fact that I was jealous of the charisma that he held on a day to day basis in turn.
Another thing that was mentioned was the fact that he believed he’d never had someone to call his “best mate”, in the past I’ve had that same point of realizing that I am in the same boat. Admittedly, I have a number of great and amazing people in my life that I’m lucky to call friend, but I don’t believe I’ve ever had that one individual that I could lean on entirely when needed.
I myself try to help people out and be around when they need it and make an effort to ask and for a while I’ve been making a conscious effort to improve myself in any way I can, I’m not the best person by far I know this, I have many faults still, we all do. But I’m finding it useless when I can’t find the same efforts to be returned. It seems completely futile.
I’ve had some of the closest people in my life let me down massively and repeatedly in some way shape or form that it’s really quite disheartening to think about. There has always been someone around that will go back on their word or turn their back, and it all started with my biological father that to this day I have never met. Since then nothing has changed.Again, I do have other great people in my life including my sister who spoilt the hell out of me as a kid so I could experience things growing up, but there are others who ruin the greater good.
I have no idea why I’m blurting this out and putting it for everyone to see.
I guess I just take a little comfort in having someone make me realise I’m not the only one in the world that has these thoughts, opinions and feelings that I experience on a day to day basis and that as I said, we are in face all made up of the same things regardless of how different we seem.